L Train
Tue Jun 8, 2010 3:55:29 am

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It began as an ordinary Monday morning train ride. I checked my watch at every stop to gauge how late I might be for work. At 33rd Street, a passenger got on who had a familiar face. In my half-asleep daze, I wasn't entirely certain if I was dreaming or if she was really there. I still sometimes have dreams about her despite not having seen her in 5 years.

I first met L. 12 years ago at work. She was a manager. I didn't work directly under her supervision, but she was often there at the office. Although above average in physical attractiveness, she wasn't the most attractive employee at the company. Nevertheless, she was the one who got my interest, and despite my failed attempts to suppress feelings. She was already engaged the first time I met her.

In the beginning, my attraction to her was purely physical. That wasn't really a problem. I have controlled myself around far more attractive women. The problem for me was in her eyes. There was something in the way that she looked at me. Her eyes would quickly open wider and there would be a moment of straining to focus, followed by a transition into smiling eyes when she confirmed my presence. It always seemed as if she was very pleasantly surprised to see me. I noticed that she did not have this reaction to seeing anyone else. She also often made an effort to talk to me whenever she saw me, and the conversations were always very enjoyable.

She gave me that same look as she got on the train this morning. I stared at her trying to determine if she was real. A slight jolt from the train brought me to full alertness. L. was really there. She sat down next to me and we had a friendly discussion about what had happened in our lives over the past five years. Not much of it was very personal. It was mostly about work. She got off the train at 77th Street. We said our goodbyes, possibly for the last time ever. I never had the chance to say it properly when she left her job 5 years ago. I still didn't really say it properly, but I tried. Just before leaving, she mentioned how she had thought about me periodically. I remained silent, fearing that I might reveal too much by overenthusiastically acknowledging that I had also thought about her. For a brief moment, I felt that familiar pain. It wasn't one that I felt persistently throughout the 7 years of working together. I was distracted a few times by other women. I even had a 3 year relationship with someone else during that period. Feelings gradually subsided after she vanished, but they briefly came back for a moment today.